cornerofmadness

Batty
Author – D. M. Evans
Disclaimer – I don’t own Buff the Vampire Slayer nor Batman, that would be Joss Whedon and DC Comics respectively. No money made, just some silly fun
Rating – FRT
Time Line – Post series – 2008
Pairings – Nil
Summary – Spike gets shut down at the Batman Premiere
Author’s Note – This was written for mzzgoddessblue for the holiday meme. All she wanted was for me to OC her into a snarkfest with Spike. In fact she’s been asking for it for THREE years now. The first time I just plain forgot. Last year, I knew I wanted it to be about the Batman premiere but I ran out of time. This year with the actual Batman premiere looming, it seemed like fate that I finally got this done. Note this is not to suggest mzzgoddessblue is a smoking, drinking Ocker but I’m pretty sure she WOULD sleep with Batman. Any improper uses of Aussie slang are all my fault. Thanks to evil_little_dog for the beta. My apologies to mzzgoddessblue's son for taking his name in vain.



X X X

“I still can’t believe we’re here, mum!” Jake dragged his mom through the crowd at the movie opener.

“Slow down. Half the fun is seeing if we can spot any celebrities,” Jaki replied, trying to apply the brakes to her son. “Is that Brad Pitt?”

Jake rolled his eyes. “Who cares? Poke me when it’s Angelie Joile.”

She snorted at him. Jaki was in agreement with the boy in one thing; she couldn’t believe she had won this trip. As if an all expense paid trip from Australia to L.A. wasn’t enough, tickets to the movie opening – which was what she had really wanted, trying to win them for her local theatre, never expecting to win the grand prize – and admission to the after-premiere party was completely bonzer. And not just any movie, the new Batman movie, one of her all time favorite superheroes.

The contest promoter had met them at the hotel and busily hurried them in to the concessions and paid for the enormous bucket of popcorn, some candies and drinks before depositing them in the theatre, leaving them to fend for themselves. Jaki dug up a handful of popcorn, knowing Jake had all he needed to be a happy little vegemite until the movie was over. Unless, of course, it stank but she had faith in Christian Bale and besides it was Batman, that was a lot of currency in the bank. Batman couldn’t be that bad of a movie. Jaki barely registered the blond skinny bloke who sat next to her, busy with her popcorn and idle fantasies about black rubber body suits.

X X X

With Jake back at the hotel, the teen still happily chatting about the kick-ass Joker Heath Ledger made, Jaki headed to the party the contest was sponsoring. Unable to scare up any VB or Winfield’s, she settled for the amber piss in a glass passing as beer and went to mingle. Maybe she could bum a ciggie even if she was supposed to be quitting. She thought maybe it was no smoking in here, big surprise being California. Catching a strong wiff of cigarette scent, Jaki turned and saw the blond who had been sitting by her in the movie, grumbling through most of it.

“You were at the theatre, right?” She asked.

He turned bright blue eyes on her. “Yeah.” He looked around. “Lose the anklebiter?”

“For a while. I’m Jaki.” She offered him her hand. He wasn’t bad looking but definitely not her type.

His fingers were icy but luckily he didn’t linger over the handshake. “Spike. Sounded like you were enjoying that mess of a movie.”

“You didn’t? I thought it was bonzer,” Jaki replied, thinking back on the great action scenes.

“You call that plonker the Joker? No one can outdo Jack Nicholson.” Spike waved her off. “Where was the whimsy?”

“Since when is Batman about whimsy?” Jaki asked, taking a slug of her beer.

“Two words for you, Adam West,” Spike replied, heading for the table laden with appetizers including finger sandwiches and shrimp cocktail.

“All right, that was fun but the real Batman isn’t anything like that,” Jaki protested, helping herself to the appetizers. “Have a look at the comics. Batman is grim. He does not do the Bat-tusi. No man in a uniform that fucking cool is going to do a dance that dumb.”

Spike cocked his head to the side, sucked down a shrimp. “Not in that stiff hood, no.” Spike shook his head. "Can't really move his shoulders or head wearin' that thing, can he? He does have the best damn gadgets. Know some Watchers who would kill for those.”

“Watchers?”

He shrugged then dug out a pack of cigarettes. “Want to head out on the balcony for a smoke?”

“Yeah.” Jaki followed him out onto the balcony. “Probably should have picked up a few more of these sangers.” She poked one of the finger sandwiches. “They’re good.”

“These kind of shindigs never run out.” He passed her a cigarette and flipped his lighter. “Imagine the system the Bat would have just for lighting up, if the blighter smoked.”

“He’s fucked up enough without a bunch of bad habits,” Jaki laughed. “But that’s what I love best about Batman. He’s so damn fucked up, he could go bad at any minute but he doesn’t. He’s out there every night fighting evil with just his wits and his perfectly honed body.” She sighed happily. Why couldn’t there be real guys like Batman? Okay maybe not be running around saving the world. She’d settle for sexy and rich and smart. She’d even put up with the Boy Wonder running around the mansion. He’d give Jake someone to hang with. “And did I mention the cool car?”

Spike blew a puff of smoke towards the stars. “The car is cool. So that’s what you like about Batman. Girl, you were made for me.” He stroked her cheek and Jaki reared back.

“Keep those fingers to yourself if you plan on keeping them.”

“Don’t get shirty.” Spike held up his hand. “Just saying you’re looking right at a real life Batman. I even have a cool car.”

Jaki snorted. “Yeah, right. You fight crime in spandex.”

“I fight demons while wearing leather.” Spike caressed his black leather jacket.

“Like that daggy thing will strike fear in anyone’s heart.” She stared at the thin, little man wondering if she needed to call for the men in white coats. “And you fight these demons how?”

“My own demonic strength and believe me when it comes to fucked up, Batman has nothing on me.” Spike smirked. “I’m all dark vampire warrior, fighting my own kind to save mankind and brooding myself into oblivion.” Spike pulled a long face. “Oh, hell, no, that’s Angel. I’m doing it because it’s fun.”

“You’re a vampire now? I think you need to up the dose of whatever you’re on.” Jaki said, flicking her cigarette away.

“Bare your neck and let me show you.” Spike’s leer set off several of her inner alarms.

“Rack off,” Jaki growled then had severe second thoughts about being with this freak alone out on the balcony.

“You don’t believe me.”

“Who would?” Jaki decided to cut her losses and went back inside to join up with the biggest crowd she could find. She counted herself lucky Spike didn’t keep on bothering her. He found someone else to flirt with. She ended up spending half the night with an FX tech guy who had a wicked sense of humor. When she and the tech went back outside for some fresh air, beer and fantasizing about what the next Batman movie might be like, Jaki spied Spike heading into the parking lot with some bubbly blonde. Jaki stopped and stared for a moment then said, “Well damn, he really did have a cool car.”